My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
