I wish my penis had an off switch
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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