Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
