just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This baby is an asshole
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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