you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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