why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
