I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
