Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
