I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
