Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
