i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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