I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
