Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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