Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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