if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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