I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
