I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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