i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
