For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize