Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
