Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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