Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
