My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
