I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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