It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
