Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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