there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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