Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I did not marry a roomba.
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