I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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