I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
