When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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