the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize