I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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