A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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