dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just cropdusted the office
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
