i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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