Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Someone came in the potted fern
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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