my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Will exercising make me less horny?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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