I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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