I want to walk on stilts...naked
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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