She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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