He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
