pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
