Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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