I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
