U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
