Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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