If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
