You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize