It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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