Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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