We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
