i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Girls should come with a carfax report
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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