Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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