I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
