dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
