Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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