So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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