Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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