does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I want to walk on stilts...naked
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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